Rutabaga queens technically reign for a year, but it's a lifetime duty. A queen's job is, along with general zaniness, to show up for Kinetic Universe events to host, cheer and turn the crazy up just a little more, especially for the Grand Championship race. It is not a post for the shy. On Saturday, May 16, the hallowed halls of Redwood Raks Dance Studio will host the competition for the coveted crown at 7 p.m. with music from Doug Fir and the 2x4s ($10, $7 with your own cup).

How does one make a move for the monarchy? Settle down, Khaleesi — there's no bloodshed. First, you'll need a royal name and a talent that takes under six minutes. On the application, you'll need to answer questions like, "What makes you so great?" (Applicants may attach extra pages, so it looks like modesty is not that important.) Also on the form, "Are you willing and able to travel?" and, "Do you see fire?" And just because it's a queenly title doesn't mean you have to be a lady. Or a woman.

Then it's all about blowing it up with a fabulous outfit, performing and shamelessly currying favor with the judges and the crowd at the ball. It should be a royal blast.

— Jennifer Fumiko Cahill