• Candy!

You can only ride the Halloween sexy train for so long, people. You have kids now. Time to put away the sexy nurse, sexy fireman, sexy lobster (etc.) costumes. It's about them now. But after years of immersing your self in carnal lust -- as opposed to cute, innocent candy lust -- where can you turn to satiate you kids' sweet tooth? Is there someplace wholesome left out there? Fear not! Good ol' cavity-causing Halloween still exists in 'Merica!

Taking the kids trick-or-treating in your own neighborhood is still the traditional way to fill those plastic jack-o-lanterns. But if your neighborhood is full of Hallow-Scrooges, odds are your hometown is stepping in to fill the void in some ghoulish capacity. If you're a savvy parent, you'll cart your kid around to all of the following pre-fab trick-or-treatling events for a maximum sugar haul:

Friday, Oct 29.

Start your candy run in Garberville at Ray's Food Place at 3:30 p.m. for costume contests and the like before walking around to local businesses collecting, what else?... candy!

Don't dally too long. Continue up the 101 to Fortuna's Main St. between 4 and 6 p.m. where over 60 local businesses aim to give your kids the important stuff... candy!

Rest up. Big weekend ahead.

Saturday, Oct 30.

It's not even officially Halloween yet, and you're already on your second day of trick-or-treating. You gotta love it when Oct. 31 falls on a Sunday. Today start in Eureka's Henderson Center at noon where local shopkeepers will hand out some balloons, paint some faces and kick down, oh, just guess... candy!

From there, Eureka's I St. only goes one way, and on this day it's to your next trick-or-treating engagement. Eureka Main Street hosts a day of adorable goblins and ghouls with a costume parade through Eureka's Old Town where you'll also find local merchants handing out quite a bit of, what's that stuff? Right... candy!

Sunday, Oct. 31.

Start All Hallow's Eve morning at the Sequoia Park Zoo's Annual Boo at the Zoo which opens at 10 a.m., where your kids will get a kick out of seeing fuzzy creatures eating special Halloween treats. But only for so long. Then the youngsters will wonder where their treats are.

Quickly, jet over to Arcata for the annual Trick-or-Treat on the Plaza starting at 3 p.m. Live music, costume parade, but most importantly... candy!

After that well runs dry, head down to Eureka's Adorni Center to wrap up with their annual indoor Halloween Carnival which begins at 5:30 p.m. Rumor has it there will also be pumpkin bowling, but also... candy!

A note to North Coast dentists: I take checks, but cash is preferred.