• Wearable birth control.

The ugly sweater party might seem like it's here to stay, but that's what everybody thought about fondue parties and roller limbo. Tastes change, as evidenced by the fact that people once wore (and, in remote pockets of the country, still wear) these woven holiday atrocities in earnest. If you have a legitimately hideous sweater, you need to show it off now.

Are you reading this early enough on Wednesday, Dec. 18? Then you can seize the sweater moment at Mad River Brewing Company's Ugly Sweater Contest at 6 p.m. The cable-knit cage fight features music from Raising Grain and prizes.

On Monday at 8 p.m., the Ugly Christmas Sweater Party at Six Rivers Brewery offers you the chance to showcase your sweater on stage. That's right, the musical equivalent of a garish pullover, karaoke. There will be prizes, of course, but you're a winner the moment your song comes on and the lights hit your spangled cardigan.

And don't mothball that baby until after next Friday, Dec. 27. The season unravels with a final Ugly Sweater Contest at the Logger Bar at 9 p.m., likely your last chance to win some prizes for fugly knitwear. Then you can retire it with dignity — or take it out back and shoot the thing.