• Courtesy of Where's Queer Bill

Set aside a couple of hours to go through your closet (don't get stuck in there, honey), get your hair did and sashay into Humboldt Brews on Friday, April 4 at 9:30 p.m. as the most sparkle-tastic version of yourself for Drag Wars ($5). You may want to think about a stage name.

Competing newbie drag queens will go peep-toe to peep-toe, battling for runway glory and a cash prize of $50. Much like Olympic skating, costume, music and style count for a great deal. Yours truly will be on the panel of judges, so bitches better work. Host Mantrikka Ho and guest appearances from the Red Carpet Girls should give you an idea of how it's done. Watch and learn, because three fabulous audience members will have a chance to throw down, too.

Even if you're not ready to walk the walk, you can still win a prize for the biggest and most outrageous look, so don't hold back. DJ Razorburns will be spinning mash-ups and remixes to make your mascara run — I'd take those Facebook photos early in the evening if I were you.