If your pooch falls ill after devouring a bowl of imported chicken strips, don't go blaming North Coast State Sen. Noreen Evans (D-Santa Rosa).
A bid to allow "negligible" amounts of China-sourced chicken to grace Fido's chompers recently suffered committee crib-death under Evans's cold, unblinking gaze.
"I've spent a lot of time researching this," Evans deadpanned to a recent gaggle of Sacramento-types. Knock-off meat strips manufactured in China, Evans said, nearly killed her tail-wagger, but not before she incurred "enormous veterans' bills."
The proposal was already morgue-bound before the veterans' role in this fiasco could be fully explained. But did Evans just launch a Sino-Californian doggy-treat trade war?
Survey says, yes: Evans now shops exclusively at "the one place I can find chicken strips made in the USA."
Dog bless America.
During my hiatus from punditry, I caught wind of a snazzy new weblog that posts marijuana raids, California Highway Patrol accident notifications and highly informative "Humboldt Approved" lists. The site's comments section is said to be a thought-provoking sounding board on such trenchant issues of the day as ranking the "first" commenter to post under each topic.
I haven't had time to read it and normally wouldn't endorse such a site without checking it out first. But since it reportedly publishes police reports verbatim — without regard for such trifling matters as the suspect's presumption of innocence — I feel safe giving it my recommendation.
The website can be found, I'm told, by Googling "lost coast outhouse."
Hey supervisors! Save 15 percent using this one weird trick: See to it that no county employee earns more than his or her department head.
Think about it: How much respect does a boss command when subordinates are rolling around on bigger Michelins? That's the question I'm asking after four lucky greenshirts took home north of $200,000 in total compensation in 2012. None of the four Humboldt County Sheriff's deputies in question were elected, and none were named Mike Downey.
Downey — the elected sheriff who these days must be pouring a lot of his own coffee — was compensated $187,000 in the year 2012 (the latest year for which statistics are available).
Four of Downey's underlings out-earned the boss, with average compensation of $265,491, according to transparentcalifornia.com.
Dear Wiyot Tribe, here's our apology letter. Okay, it's not technically an apology, but it did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. You know — the one we built on land you used to own.
The truth is we greatly regret the tragic events of 1860 that culminated in the imprisonment and forced-removal of Native Americans from the Eureka area. We're so despondent over the incident that we maintain the internment camp — Fort Humboldt — as a state park. The park — where, history tells us, Native Americans once perished by the score — now houses exhibits celebrating the early deforestation of native lands.
Admission is free, if you ever wanna check it out.
Getting to the Wiyot tribal homeland, Indian Island, is easy: Just drive north through Eureka. As you approach State Route 255 you'll pass right by Ryan Slough, whose namesake, James T. Ryan, was a pioneer settler and lumberman.
You might better remember James T. Ryan as commander of the Humboldt Home Guards, a citizen militia dispatched in 1860 to quell "hostilities" with local Indian tribes. Although the Home Guards were never directly implicated in the Indian Island massacre of 1860, the guards clearly hailed from the Winchester school of diplomacy.
Oh — don't forget to patronize our many fine grocery stores. You'll find jerky, smoked salmon and other Native American-themed foodstuffs sure to remind you of the mass-commodification of your culture.
And, emblazoned on the side of one Harris Street furniture concern, you'll feel right at home when you spot the life-size cartoon of a bare-breasted, mohawked Native American lad.
See? We do support you. So, "apology" accepted?
Big wine to the Wes-cue? Each year thousands of our nation's youth are injured or killed in alcohol-related vehicle accidents. But many, many thousands more suffer the excruciating effects of perpetual sobriety, due to the fact that Jesus juice is verboten to the under-21s.
Not to be outdone by his dog-defending colleague in the upper chamber, state Assemblyman Wes Chesbro (D-Arcata) is pushing a bill that would allow booze-deprived kids to "taste" wine so long as they're 18-or-over. There is, however, a catch: The kids may only toast "adieu" to sobriety whilst in in the setting of an institution of higher learning. (I swear, sometimes this stuff writes itself.)
Chesbro's bill, aptly titled, "Underage Drinkers," is ostensibly aimed at giving undergrads a greater appreciation of wine, and NOT turning your niece Kaylee into a giant lush.
Fun fact: Since 2011, Big Wine has stuffed Chesbro's Dockers with more than $24,000 in campaign contributions.
Ryan Hurley is a Eureka-based attorney. Follow him if you dare: @BuhneTribune.