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Cannabis Strains for 2022

Fake weed for real problems

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Diesel Diesel. Now that gas prices have you buying a shotglass of fuel at a time, the petroleum fragrance of the exponentially intensified terpenes of this inbred plant will hit like pricey perfume. Let it take you back to simpler times when you could bitch about the price of gas without feeling guilty for complaining while people are suffering actual atrocities of war.

Green Rush Crush. You know what's really cheap, though? Weed. If, like so many producers, the flooded market has left you high and dry, we suggest an industrial strength strain for industry-related stress. Is it a buzzy, full-body high? Is it minty or floral on the exhale? Do you really care as long as it blots out the crushing anxiety of unsold product and plummeting prices for even an hour? If your tolerance is such that repeated dabs don't get the job done, try the still experimental distillate you inject directly into your cerebral cortex like in The Matrix.

Zen-95. With indoor masking mandates lifted despite local case numbers, you might be feeling some unease seeing all those exposed mouths and nostrils, imagining the aerosols drifting out of them like invisible vape clouds. Just in time, this lab-generated THC compound will have you hallucinating masks on every face you see and drifting through the supermarket as if in a dream. Which it is.

Hobbee Lobbee. Meanwhile, where does this leave anti-maskers? This heady Sativa will keep you energized and open to discover your next life-defining cause without tamping down your abject rage. Whatever you fixate on next as the barrier to the freedom that is your birthright as an American — Stop signs, other people's barbecues, public libraries — you'll be more than ready to video yourself screaming about it to the exhausted staff at a Wendy's.

Nom Bomb. Anyone who's attended a cannabis pairing dinner or eaten an entire box of cold, off-brand Pop Tarts can attest to the power of weed to enhance an eating experience. Nom Bomb not only makes a cooking fail passably appetizing but dulls the shame of having attempted a bullshit TikTok cooking hack like tossing spaghetti and meatballs directly on your kitchen counter. If your grandmother could see you. Jesus.

Madame Ovary. A very — look at me — very strong cross of Handmaid Lemonade and OG RBG will still your racing mind as you watch state legislatures hack away at our reproductive rights and make your ovaries feel the warm glow of self-determination that only comes when you're truly free to make your own medical decisions. Oh, you won't be, but you'll feel like it for a little while. Enjoy!

Rainbow Buffer. Speaking of states gone wild, anti-LGBTQ+ legislation keeps popping up across the country like angry whack-a-moles. This sweet cross-blend of Indica plants will give you secure, heavy-blanket vibes as if a giant inflatable wall is cradling you, safe and sound, here in California, where I guess now you have to live forever because holy shit. (We also recommend a hit whenever J.K. Rowling tweets.)

OG RSVP. After two years of canceled events and postponed gatherings, people are getting together again. For introverts and pandemic converts to the lifestyle, that means coming up with reasons why you can't make it. This Sativa-dominant hybrid will spark your creativity for inventing excuses like your ongoing fish tank renovation or working on a Bo Burnham-esque performance piece in your apartment.

Lab Goggles. As you take your second COVID-19 test this week, are you wondering how something so nerve-wracking can be so tedious? What you need is a hybrid Indica-Sativa to maintain your focus and mellow you out. This strain will make you feel like you're in a techno-soundtracked CSI rerun as you wait with cool detachment for the second line to show up or not. Yeah. You're, like, a scientist.

Jennifer Fumiko Cahill (she/her) is the arts and features editor at the Journal. Reach her at 442-1400, extension 320, or jennifer@northcoastjournal.com. Follow her on Twitter @JFumikoCahill.

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