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The full mole crab experience

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If you are like millions of others, you often wonder what it's like to be a Pacific mole crab (Emerita analoga). I'm capitalizing on this trend with my Mole Crab Virtual Reality Experience. The basic program is available as a free download for use with your personal VR headset. The big money is in mole crab accessories.

With the basic program, you'll experience the day-to-day life of a mole crab (or "sand crab," if you prefer). That basic experience includes riding the surf up and down as the tide goes in and out. As a little wave washes up the beach on an incoming tide, you'll experience riding up the beach with it. Then you'll dig into the sand to hold your position until the next wave pushes you farther up the beach. What fun!

But watch out. Sometimes the surf is so crowded that you can't dig into the sand through all the other mole crabs. Then you risk being washed back down the beach and being eaten by a surf perch. The same thing happens in reverse as the tide goes out. If you don't successfully ride the waves back down the beach, you'll be stranded where you may be eaten alive by hordes of scavenging isopods.

After experiencing the VR version of a mole crab in the surf, you'll definitely want to try it for real. So I'm selling a full-body, fiberglass mole crab suit to protect you from getting all scuffed up by sand. The suit comes complete with arm and leg attachments to mimic a mole crab's sand-digging pereiopods. You'll be able to dig in backwards, leaving only your eyes and antennae exposed.

To feed like a real mole crab, you'd use your antennae to filter organic particles from the water. To simulate this experience, I offer snack-sized bags of powdered mole crab feed made from all-natural organic fish shit. Sprinkle some on your mock antennae and lick it off.

I know what you're thinking but you'll have to use your own organs for mole crab sex. However, your suit will greatly aid in courtship. When you are rolling around in the surf wearing your suit, look for others doing the same. When you find someone of your mutually-preferred sexual orientation, you'll know instantly that you are made for each other. I'm selling copies of the movie From Here to Eternity for an example of how to properly bang in the shallows.

Unlike a human, a lady mole crab carries up to 45,000 fertilized eggs under her abdominal flap. The eggs are bright orange and are apparently yummy. Ravens on our local beaches know to dig up gravid mole crabs and eat their eggs. Unfortunately, a member of my focus group is suing me for injuries suffered while testing the ova-eating bird beak accessory. So I probably won't be offering it as part of The Mole Crab VR Experience.

To take your mole crab experience to its natural conclusion, you'll want to be eaten alive. To mimic a surf perch, you'll have to find your own great white shark. But we're proud to offer a set of 100 starving armadillos to mimic the scavenging isopods. Be sure to submit a selfie to our website before the armadillos claw into your vital organs and you'll be eligible for 10 percent off your next purchase!

Fish biologist Mike Kelly writes science-based satire as M. Sid Kelly on Amazon.

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