Editor:

This letter is going to be yuge. It's going to fabulous, definitely the finest letter this newspaper has ever published. Finest letter — you can take that to the post office!

I have always been a fabulous letter writer — a yugely successful letter writer. Yugely successful. I have successfully hired thousands of people to read and appreciate my letters — and the ones who don't appreciate my fantastic fabulous letters get fired!

This letter will be published on the front page and millions of Eurekan People will appreciate how yuge and fantastic and fabulous this letter — and my other successful letters through the years ... yuge-fantastic-fabulous letters through the years. And not only that, I, and I alone, am going to make America Grate Again. That's right — we are going to take American cheese, not Mexican Cheese or Russian Cheese or Canadian Cheese but American cheese (imported from China by my cheese company) and we are going to make Grated American Grilled Cheese Letters and make America grate again! And if the America-haters who run this rag of a newspaper don't put this yugely fabulous and fantastic letter on the front page for millions of Eurekans to see, it will just prove how rigged the lame-stream media is and how rigged the system is against American cheese.

Mike Clark, Loleta