Letters + Opinion » Seriously?

Realistic Sex Robots to Save Us All

A word from your friends at HotBotix Engineering



The Southern Poverty Law Center has categorized "incels," involuntarily celibate men who share and promote a virulently misogynist and violent ideology, as a male supremacist hate group. Self-proclaimed members of this largely online community escalated to terrorist violence in Isla Vista, California, in 2014 with a mass shooting, and last month in Toronto, Canada, when a man drove a van into a crowd and killed 10 people — both claiming revenge on women. Recently in the New York Times and elsewhere, rather than addressing the foundational issue of misogyny, a potential solution has been suggested to appease them: sex robots.

We at HotBotix are proud to offer a solid, peaceful alternative to deadly rampages or the sexual enslavement of half the population. After all, it's just sex these proponents of mass rape are demanding, not the wholesale subjugation of the women they refer to as subhuman, right? And if science fiction has taught us nothing else, it's that when the worst of humanity shows its ugliest side, robots are the answer.

There are those who worry sex robots will contribute to so-called rape culture and our society's dehumanizing tendency to view women only as sexual objects, driving so-called incels further down a dark path of isolation and violent, misogynist radicalism. Crazy! Surely incels aren't demanding women become sex dolls — they just want sex dolls that are more like real women.

Not only can our hyper-realistic sex bots replicate the physical experience of intercourse with a silicone gaming avatar topped with expensive human hair and devoid of opinions or needs, they can also create socializing interactions to prepare angry, entitled men for relationships with real women who have no goddamn idea what they're getting into, assuming they're not on 4chan or running down the rabbit holes of terrifying subReddits.

While we can't conjure the actual connection and fulfillment that come from give and take with a person exercising free will, the boobs are nearly indistinguishable from those of a real woman with enormous implants. And HotBotix sex bots go beyond the fantasy to provide everything else you're missing out on from casual and long-term sexual relationships.

That includes all the quirky, human moments of partner intimacy that porn just can't provide. Mind you, we've generously installed the same features in our male sex bots despite the fact that involuntarily celibate women and LGBTQ folks don't seem to turn to violence and instead just read more.

Once you've unpacked and charged your sex bot, the magic begins. Painfully awkward small talk is followed by flirtation, watching it check its phone while you're talking and at least one off-putting discussion of its ex, who is "a total psycho, but whatever."

As things turn physical, get ready for conversations about when you were last tested, condoms and struggling for a polite way to ask whether that's just razor burn or something you should be concerned about. The afterglow will even be interrupted with questions about how you voted in the last election, which the bot needs to know if whatever this is between you is going anywhere.

State-of-the-art AI tech means your HotBotix sex bot will learn which positions and sexual acts you enjoy most in the first months of ownership, just like a real long-term partner would. After a few months, it will withhold those behaviors without explanation, doling them out only on "special occasions." In fact, depending on the model, you may notice it pretty much stops trying in bed altogether and refuses to talk about what's going on. Then, after a lull, it hits you out of the blue with a frankly disturbing sexual request that freaks you out and, whether you go through with it or not, lingers in your mind.

You'll be amazed at the subtle expressions on your bot's face, like interest, pleasure and a far-off look that makes you think it's imagining Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson instead of you. (Again, this is a feature of both female and male units.)

We've also programmed phrases to create the most realistic intimate experiences including:

"Ow, ow, ow, you're on my hair!"

"Um ... can you ... never mind."

"Yeah, no. That was ... great. It was fine."

"Leg cramp!"

"Shh. Is that the kids? Are they up?"

"Can we make it quick? I have an early shift."

"You know what, you can just stop."

Remember, these are quality bots built to last at least long enough to make you wonder if you should upgrade or just stick with this model because you've already invested so much time. They're also built to kind of let themselves go after the first year.

Jennifer Fumiko Cahill is the arts and features editor at the Journal. Reach her at 442-1400, extension 320, or Jennifer@northcoastjournal.com. Follow her on Twitter @JFumikoCahill.

Got a humorous take or tale to share? Then the North Coast Journal wants to hear from you. Contact us at editor@northcoastjournal.com to pitch your column ideas.


Add a comment