Stop. I am begging you, just stop. Stop posting pictures of yourself where you've held the camera so you look like a cubist painting instead of your true chubby self. We want to see your real face. Stop it. Stop calling my pets "furbabies" and extending me an unwanted "Happy Mother's Day" because you think I think they're my kids. No child has ever pooped with the compact discretion of my cats, whose practical nature will also allow them to eat my body once I've died, alone, on my living room floor. They're not babies, they're more like codependent roommates who have no idea what I'm saying when I lean down and nuzzle their squishy widdle faces. And that's for the best, because usually I'm muttering about a terrible article that popped up on my "cannabis/marijuana" Google alert.
Oh my god, weed bloggers, please stop.
Stop giving inferior/ill-conceived products the limelight just because they contain cannabis. Cannabis chocolate. Cannabis beer. Cannabis wine. Yes, some of us need a way to ingest pot without smoking it. And some fusion products, I'm going to assume, are edible, tasty and enhanced by the presence of THC. But there has to be a point where throwing a pot leaf on a product is jumping the shark, and it has to be soon. Because if I see one more review where the arc is "I tried this because it had pot in it — and it was terrible/ineffective/dangerous!" I am going to have to start drinking again. Really, the wine you tried was "skunky and ashy ... reminiscent of a car ashtray?" (www.VinePair.com, Nov. 21) Really? Stooop.
Stop writing about the effects of putting cannabinoids in your vagina. I have reversed my stance on using cannabis suppositories for menstrual cramps, because I realized that a) even if it doesn't really work, it doesn't seem like it's going to hurt anyone and b) I'm not a doctor. But for that matter, neither are you. And now that we've seen 50-plus articles that hinge on the creativity of VAGINA + MARIJUANA = TEE HEE, maybe it's time to call it a day and let professionals evaluate whether or not it's an effective treatment for gynecological problems. From here on out, I am just going to bite my tongue whenever I see an unoriginal article about what it was like to have weed in your ladybits and, instead of ranting about it, I'll make a donation to a research foundation. I am not rich. So please, stop it.
And stop pulling asinine stunts like drinking entire bottles of weed lubricant. (www.broadly.vice.com, Feb. 2016). Oh my god, that's a great clickbait headline, but really? Really? You had no idea what would happen? Really? Lady, I've seen the picture of you sprawled sick on your bed, green and clutching a bag of chips as your corgi sits nervously under your cluttered desk. Your poor furbaby looks terrified. Stop. It.