Here at Stone Cleanse® Ranch, our goal is wellness through the limitless power of Nature (copyright pending), drawing wisdoms from other cultures so you don't have to interact with them. We intuit that those of you coming into our circle for the first time have questions. We're listening. Literally. Five unpaid interns in our Stone Room® are lying in our proprietary version of corpse pose and listening right now. We've created a FAQ guide to the Stone Cleanse®. Of course, we recommend consulting a physician before embarking on any new health regime but, you know, c'mon.
What is the Stone Cleanse®?
Our two-week cleanse is the ultimate purifying wellness ritual to brighten your body and mind, and it's drawn loyal practitioners from all over the globe. They've discovered the benefits of eliminating animals and plants from our poisoned food system and eating the only element humanity hasn't ruined: rocks. After 14 days of eating only our low-nutrient, hand-selected, organic river stones, you'll see why. Your body will be transformed and you'll achieve total focus, unable to think of anything, really, besides the stones accumulating in your belly.
Much of Western and Eastern medicine focuses on nutrients to fuel the body — nutrients made of 100 percent chemicals, by the way. Our team of researchers and healers has found that even the "healthiest" foods are rife with super nano toxins — dangerous, invisible, lucrative substances in everything we eat, drink and breathe. Are you thinking about super nano toxins right now? Because they can enter you that way, too. Stone Cleanse® stones, however, are completely indigestible, allowing no chemicals into your system.
But I already eat clean.
Is your body still producing waste? Sounds like you could eat cleaner. Have you tasted your urine? It probably tastes like piss. As for bowel movements, a few days of the Stone Cleanse® will eliminate them completely. Drawing on the being-to-being trust we've formed on our FAQ journey, let's sit in some conscious honesty: Your body is gross. It's a mess of blood, bile, fat, bone, hair, sinew and that weird porous stuff that's always colored gray on anatomy charts. That can't be good. Your liver and kidneys clean your system as best they can, but then what? They just sit in your body, brimming with filth. And if you're a woman, we just don't know what to tell you. Your best hope is to become a fragile, empty vessel on the verge of collapse but without the distracting euphoria of traditional, unmonetized fasting.
Eating rocks sounds terrifying.
Look at the natural world: Since the age of the dinosaurs, birds, lizards and even whales have evolved to swallow small stones to aid digestion. Even the majestic ostrich maintains a gizzard full of stones that grind up food like teeth.
But I don't have a gizzard.
Don't worry, by Day 11 you will. Which is also around when your teeth should fall out so nice timing there.
Do I need really Stone Cleanse® stones?
If you could just scarf down rocks from anywhere — a gravel driveway, a Japanese garden, the edge of a stream — wouldn't everyone be doing it? And in terms of chemical impurities, ingesting a single pebble not selected by our trained Gatherers® and purchased through our website, you'd be opening yourself up to a host of potential super nano toxins, no matter how idyllic that bubbling brook looks. You might as well eat food.
I've gained weight.
That's just the stones. Keep going.
The stones are hard to get down.
Those of you who've graduated from our Bark Cleanse® may recall a similar experience. But, as with the initially unbearable grittiness of gnawing bark, you get used to it. Many of our practitioners come to enjoy the cool slide of indigestible stones down their throats and the satisfying clack as each one reaches the stomach cavity. Begin with the smaller Starter Stones®, one at a time. Gradually work your way up to the larger stones and eventually the flat Pond Skipper® size. Don't let negative thinking stop you from finally achieving the internal bodily purity you've failed at so humiliatingly over and over. Stay positive!
Really, I feel like I'm just full of stones.
You are. But you may also be filled with stubborn super nano toxins that need a little extra prodding with an upgrade to White Quartz Stones®. They cost more but they do more. If you don't see improvement in a couple of days — lightness, shiny hair, deep focus — consider upgrading to our Limited Edition Stone Cleanse Conflict Diamonds®.
So the stones just, what, dissolve? Or not?
Indeed. Now you are asking questions from a place of wisdom.
I think I'm dying.
That's some very negative mind thinking. Channel the ostrich and swallow another stone.
Jennifer Fumiko Cahill is the arts and features editor at the Journal. Reach her at 442-1400, extension 320, or firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow her on Twitter @JFumikoCahill.
Got a humorous take or tale to share? Then the North Coast Journal wants to hear from you. Contact us at email@example.com to pitch your column ideas.