So Humboldtian, you’re trolling the ol’ NCJ calendar lookin’ for something to do before the world ends this Friday? That’s cute. But if you really want to maximize your bliss in Humboldt’s final hours, y’all should mount up with me. Here’s our itinerary, if yer savvy:
4:30 a.m. - Rise. Shine.
5 a.m. - Purchase all remaining boxes/bottles/jugs of laundry detergent from WinCo for one final, epic "sudsageddon" in the Marie Callender's fountain. Giggle.
6 a.m. - Break into Bayshore Mall's Bounce-a-Palooza. Oil up the various bounce-enabling structures to increase difficulty. Bounce. Fall down.
7 a.m. - Carnivore brekkie at Golden Harvest because their bacon is the best bacon. (I read somewhere that obsessing over bacon is played out, but that really doesn’t matter now, does it?) Order more bacon.
8 a.m. - Zoo, baby! There’s really no reason to not snuggle red pandas at this point. Hop that fence. Seduce with leftover bacon. Snuggle hard.
9:30 a.m. - Commandeer a Hummer and head for the Arcata Plaza. After some significant donut time, throw a rope around McKinley’s neck and see how close you can get to recreating the scene from when Iraqis pulled down Saddam Hussein’s statue. Briefly celebrate with Plazoids, ‘cuz why not?
11:30 a.m. - Redwood Yogurt.
Noon - Undignified rib-chowin' session at Shamus T-Bones. Wash barbecue sauce off face by sticking head into the stream of water that shoots from behind the bar. Leave refreshed.
1 p.m. - Take a final drive south through our majestic redwoods. (If you have a head-on collision with a semi while driving through Richardson Grove, skip the rest of the stuff below.) Listen to Sublime’s last album begrudgingly
4 p.m. - Return north. Listen to Bob Marley’s Legend happily.
5 p.m. - Stop by Ferndale. Roll into The Palace with a chromed out ghetto blaster. Set it on the bar and hit play. Walk out as N.W.A.’s Straight Outta Compton blares.
6 p.m. - "Ride" every skateboard at The Local. Use the last of the chalk writing messages on the wall for future alien races to discover. "JUST MISSED US," or something more clever.
9 p.m. - Purge. Likely.
9:30 p.m. - Up to A-town. Roll into The Last Soul Night on Earth at HumBrews with every Twister board you could find in the county. Right foot green, left foot yellow, etc.
11 p.m. - Back to E-town. All remaining Shanty Dogs. Down the hatch.
11:45 p.m. - Edit Wikipedia. Big time.
Midnight - Never worry again how plummeting marijuana prices may affect the local economy.
See y'all in Seven-O-Heaven!
-- "Will," as told to Andrew Goff.