Weed Who Must Not Be Named. Who knew we'd need a Patronus against J.K. Rowling? Here to aid you in the defense against dark transphobes is a Potions Master's concoction of three magical strains: TERF War, Neville Bongbottom and Strawberry Snape. Soon hateful takes, like those of a children's author turned fascist cheerleader, will fizz into the background. If you need to dull the anxiety of your state trying to legislate you out of existence, try it with a dab rig or cook it over a spoon and inject it into your neck.
Hotbox the House. Hoo-boy, has it been frustrating watching Republican officials abandon the health and safety of their constituents to push wildly unpopular forced birth legislation. There's probably a nice indica that will help you find some calm. But might it be more useful to pump a political ambition-dulling, empathy-boosting cloud of smoke into chambers for a couple rounds of debate and voting? Just an idea.
Scramble On. Blueberry Muffin is cool but now that eggs are basically chicken caviar and cannabis prices are in freefall, wake-and-bake aficionados can light up a strain with terpenes that taste like precious, cage-free contraband. Coop DeVille and Shell Crack deliver the simple country flavor you can no longer afford.
Bargewreck. The housing market is tough, especially for new and returning Cal Poly Humboldt students. Is it a massive logistical nightmare or a matter of perspective? A hit of this twist on Humboldt Hostel and Couch Surfer will allow you to hallucinate that your temporary accommodations — your busted car, a weird motel, an anchored barge — is the luxurious concrete-walled dorm room of your dreams.
Chat OG. Well, looks like we've learned nothing from the canon of science fiction and artificial intelligence is exceeding our ability to control it. Learn to be cool with the singularity by gradually upping your dose of this AI-engineered strain combining the genetics of, well, we don't know but the robots seem to think we should ingest it. Anyway, here's a cool airbrush-y image our new overlords made of you but, like, as a fairy elf with glowing skin.
Cancel Kulture Kush. Criticism or, worse, the consequences of your own terrible actions, can be stressful. Put down your phone and try this combination of Mel Gibskunk and the high-CBD strain Non-apology Tour that does what every good PR team strives to do: shut you up for a couple of weeks until this all blows over.
Keto Survivor. This one is all about the flavor, specifically the freshly baked bread you've denied yourself in relentless pursuit of visible abs. The aroma of Flour Power and Sour Doh will take you back to the bakery as soon as you open the baggie. Does it even get you high? Who cares? This stuff really smells like bread.
Parent-Teacher Confrinz. Another phone call from school about your kid? What you need to get through another scolding while seated at a tiny desk is a numbing combo of Breakfast Klub and Pineapple Permanent Record. Then you can talk to your kid calmly tomorrow. Be sure to arrange a ride home, though, because you are going to be extremely stoned for a long time.
Sour Apple for the Teacher. Parents only have to make it through as many school conferences as they have children. But teachers need a little something extra to get through back-to-back, face-to-face meetings with the same parents who've been staring, screaming and crying at them through Zoom for two years. When the last collage has been collected, go home, lock the door and let this fruity one-two punch of Razberry Retirement and Diesel Detention knock you the hell out.
Crypto Crasher. Listen, it took a lot of weed to wrap your head around crypto. It's going to take a lot of weed to purge it from your brain. Ultra-potent Tech Bro and OG NFT pair up to clear some data from your blockchain thing or whatever and make room for the next Ponzi scheme your cousin pitches you at a wedding.
Mummybear. This fruity combination of Tricky Treatz and Stranger Danger is bred for use in gummies to help you stop worrying that randos are going to give your kids edibles at Halloween or whenever. Store them in a secure location.
Jennifer Fumiko Cahill (she/her) is the arts and features editor at the Journal. Reach her at (707) 442-1400, extension 320, or email@example.com. Follow her on Instagram @JFumikoCahill and on Mastodon @jenniferfumikocahill.